Posted By: Sheri (New Board: ForeignJobs) on 'Humor'
Title:     I know Santa Claus is a woman
Date:      Tue Nov 30 05:44:43 1999

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's
a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm,
fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time
believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about
selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they
always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket
wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves.  On this
count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he
were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas
morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree,
still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First
of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be
dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh
amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been
extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have
transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost
up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and
ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag. 
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. 
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having to be
seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described,
even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's
wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit
their ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a

I can buy the idea that other mythical holiday characters are
men: Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking
ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone
screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. 

    Submitted by Connie Steadman and Paula Kennedy  

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