Posted By: Sheri (New Board: ForeignJobs) on 'Humor'
Title:     A letter from Santa
Date:      Sun Dec 12 07:50:28 1999

Dear Friends,
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no
longer be able to serve the Southern United States on
Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of
the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American
Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas
of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part
of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for
milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain
that your children will be in good hands with your local
replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my
goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls;
however, there are a few differences between us. Differences
such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from
Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper
sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that
children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on
the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a
little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon
dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a
couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now
overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen
..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On
Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on
Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also
are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I hear'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh
does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the
words "Back off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on
34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in
your negotiated viewing area  Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg
Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring
Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make
sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he
bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about
me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's
"Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba
Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the
South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus
Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer.

Sincerely Yours, 
Santa Claus 
(member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

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