Posted By: medved (A~z na v~eky Mikov~ce.) on 'Humor'
Title:     Airline humor
Date:      Wed Feb 23 14:30:56 2000

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety 
lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some 
real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... There may be 50 ways to leave your 
lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

2. Pilot -- "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now,so I am going 
to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but 
please stay inside the plane till we's a bit cold outside, and if 
you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you 
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a 
lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a 
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when 
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as 
hell everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee....Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 345 
to Seatle. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, 
and pull tight.  It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't 
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public 
unsupervised.  In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks 
will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it 
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your 
mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small 
children, decide now which one you love more

7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but 
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, 
nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an 
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. 
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. 
Please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some 
of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them 
are on this flight..."

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a 
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was 
really having to fight it After an extremely hard landing, the Flight 
Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to 
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the 
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."

13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:  We 
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the 

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his 
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the 
first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and 
give them a "Thanks for flying GPU airline." He said that in light of his bad 
landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that 
someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except 
for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said,"Sonny, mind if I ask 
you a question?" "Why no, Mam," said the pilot,"what is it?"  The little old 
lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came 
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain 
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against 
the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are 
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage 
to the terminal."

16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: We'd like to thank you 
folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the insane urge 
to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll 
think of us here at US Airways."



Si vis pacem, para bellum.

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