Posted By: Suzanne (Simple Elegance :)) on 'Humor'
Title:     Quotes
Date:      Fri Apr 21 11:35:44 2000

  "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a
  twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals
  out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on
  fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'"-Rich Jeni

   "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
  Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
  -- Rich Jeni

  "My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's
  reading."-Emo Philips

   "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black
  men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."-Ren

  "Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive
  scrotum!'"-Jeff Green

  "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in
  poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are
  apparently doing quite well for themselves."-Emo Philips

  "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured
  by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."-Kevin

  "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment
  turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."-Emo Philips

  "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."-
  Rich Jeni

  "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the
  natural enemy of a tightrope walker."-Emo Philips

  "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
  'Thyroid problem?'"-Emo Philips

  "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're
  in."-Rich Jeni

   On the difference between men and women: "On the one hand, we'll
  never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our
  own jars."-Jeff Green

  What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
  "Hold my purse."-Francois Morency

  "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."-Tim Steeves

  "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
   relationships."-Jimmy Shubert

   "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
   but he never forgets oral sex no matter how bad it is."-Lenny

                                                  - no risk, no fun -

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