Posted By: Zaba (I'd rather be skiing!) on 'Humor' Title: christmas party Date: Sat Dec 16 04:17:01 2000 > FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director > TO: All Employees RE: Christmas Party > DATE: December 1 > RE: Christmas Party > I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place > on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit > Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band > playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be > surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree > will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at > that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of > gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A > special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time! > Merry Christmas to you and your family. > > ******************** > FROM: Patty Lewis, Resources Director > TO: All Employees > DATE: December 2 > RE: Holiday Party > In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. > We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides > with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on > we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees > who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree > present. No, Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music for > your > enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family. > Patty > > ***************** > FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director > TO: All Employees > DATE: December 3 > RE: Holiday Party > Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous > requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy > to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, > "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle > this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange - no gift exchanges are > allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and > executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift. > NO GIFT EXCHANGES WILL BE ALLOWED. > > ******************** > FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director > To: All Employees > DATE: December 7 > RE: Holiday Party > What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the > Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during > daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a > luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' > beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end > of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package > everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, > I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the > dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the > restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have > to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a > flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking > permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We will have > booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those > on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food - we suggest for > those people > with high blood problems to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as > dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. > Sorry! > Did I miss anything? > Patty > > ****************** > FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director > TO: All Employees > DATE: December 8 > RE: Holiday Party > So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a > tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning > of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try > to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. > Okay??? Patty > > ***************** > FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director > TO: All Employees > DATE: December 9 > RE: Holiday Party > People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up > like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be > "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red > suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family > feuds over the thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. > Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also the company has changed their > mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get > a notification in the mail sent to your home. > > ************************ > FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director > TO: All #%&$**@ Employees > DATE: December 10 > RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday <<mailto:%#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party > > I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the %#&^!@ > do I care... I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your > address now and you are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will > be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will > have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!! > Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this > party at Luigi's > Open Pit barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at > the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, > and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But > you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. > I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! HA! I hope you > all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die you hear me!!!!!!!!!!! > > The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!! > > ******************* > FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director > DATE: December 14 > RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party > I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery > from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to > her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel > our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with > full pay. > Happy Holidays!
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