Posted By: medved (A~z na v~eky Mikov~ce.) on 'Humor'
Title:     I like monkeys
Date:      Wed Apr  3 15:07:37 2002

I Like Monkeys
(I didn't write this, but it's damn funny!)
Written by Hanna (1996)

I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that was odd 
since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift 
horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was 
Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept 
punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my 
genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new 
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high 
speeds, and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle 
lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all 
died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when 
you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, 
on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 
200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I 
had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a 
while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to 
call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately, there 
was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 
30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go 

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to 
extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my 
freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't 

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the 
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not 
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He 
couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My 
friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them, 
but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.



Si vis pacem, para bellum.

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