Posted By: medved (A~z na v~eky Mikov~ce.) on 'Humor'
Title:     France
Date:      Sun Oct 15 20:44:51 2006

Tips for your next trip to France:

The following advice for American travelers going to France was compiled from 
information provided by the US State Department, the CIA, the US Chamber of 
Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control 
and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It 
is intended as a guide for American travelers only. 

General Overview:
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. 
It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as 
important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some 
smaller nations of no particular importance and with not very good shopping. 
France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and 
Eurodisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, 
Camembert cheese and the guillotine. 
Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning 
is little used and it is next to impossible for Americans to get decent 
Mexican food. 
One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that local people insist 
on speaking in French, though many will speak English if shouted at. 

The People:
France has a population of 57 million people. 52 million of these drink and 
smoke (the other 5 million are small children).
All French people drive like lunatics,and have no concept of standing 
patiently in a queue. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, 
proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are their good points.
Men sometimes have girls' names like Jean or Marie or Michel, and they kiss 
each other when they meet. American travelers are advised to travel in groups 
and wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier recognition. 

In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers must be aware 
that from time to time it is invaded by Germany. Traditionally, the French 
surrender immediately and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky 
and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, 
life for the American visitor generally goes on much as before.
A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been 
opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee to 
London during future German invasions. 

France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important 
historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques 
Cousteau, Johnny Halliday and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many 
years and is now an airport. 

The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held 
more or less continuously and always result in a draw. The French love 
administration so for government purposes the country is divided into 
regions, departments, districts, municipalities, towns, communes, villages, 
cafes, and telephone kiosks. Each of these has its own government and 
elections. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower, though 
confusingly they are both on the ground floor, and whose members are either 
Gaullists or Socialists, neither of whom should be trusted by the traveler. 
Parliament's principal occupation is setting off atomic bombs in the south 
Pacific and acting indignant and surprised when other countries complain. 
According to the most current American State department intelligence, the 
President is now someone named Jacques. Further information is not available 
at this time. 

The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see 
why. All their music sounds the same and they have never made a movie that 
you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. 

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a 
slug with a shell on its back. Croissants on the other hand, are excellent, 
although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In 
general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers. 

France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in 
Europe, which is surprising because the French hardly work at all. If they 
are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and 
blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors.
France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, 
nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, guns, grenade 
launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and 

Public Holidays:
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 
national holidays are: 197 Saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 
Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in triumph as if 
he won the war single-handed Days, 18 Napoleon sent into Exile Days, 17 
Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 2 "France is Great and the Rest of 
the World is Merde" Days. 

France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a 
temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it was not 
inhabited by French people and foreign tourists.
The best thing that can be said for France is that it is not Germany.



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